Beautiful misunderstanding
When young couples came to the temple to ask Morinaga Roshi for advice, he sometimes would say, “It starts with a beautiful misunderstanding, turning into a miserable understanding. But if you don’t give up, it might eventually settle into a peaceful and harmonious relationship where you are like air to each other - it is nothing we have to question or confirm constantly; it is simply and naturally the most important thing.”
This expresses something we are all quite familiar with, not only regarding people but generally in life. Most of us are very good at projecting our desired images onto something. The image of the ideal partner and what they should make me feel like; the image of the perfect work and what it should do for me, and even the image of spiritual practice and how it should change me into a better or enlightened person, forever. We bring many expectations to the table and are heavily invested in our hopes that it will work out and give us what we want. It’s a beautiful misunderstanding when it all seems possible, while the small irritations haven’t popped up yet or are still small enough to be ignored or reasoned away.
The next inevitable stage isn’t as pleasant anymore. We start noticing the things that don’t go along with our images or ideals, and we realize that the picture isn’t really as pretty as we painted it. When things about our boyfriend or girlfriend start irritating us, and we complain, saying, “You are not who I thought you were.” Or when we don’t get the recognition we think we deserve from bosses or co-workers, and we suddenly become aware that they have ideas that don’t fit with ours. It is the time when we realize that spiritual practice doesn’t follow our linear mind or the assumption that we could master the self by reaching some higher spiritual state and be done. The busy mind constantly returns, unwanted feelings keep interfering, and the whole thing seems disappointingly impossible. At which point, we might even look for a different teacher, somebody who “understands” us more, and where our images and concepts can survive.
The third stage has a fundamentally different flavor because it can only evolve after a significant turnaround. This turnaround has nothing to do with changing the situation or other people because it occurs within us. It is when we are willing to come to the table without anything, and we realize that we are not a separate body-mind trying to have a good experience. It is the moment when there is nobody separate from the fullness of the moment, and nothing else is needed. It is in such an instant when everything, “as it is,” becomes the air we are breathing, and that oxygen valve is never turned off. Out of that, responses occur freely. We still might dislike certain things - freely without being caught up in them or threatened by them. There could be a decision to change a work situation or break up with somebody or go on with it, but the basis for decisions at this point is no longer “me” needing or avoiding anything anymore.
It is when preconceived ideas about spiritual practice and what it should do for “me” fall away, and it is seen that there is no separation between you and me, worldly and spiritual. We are not looking for anything on the inside or the outside, in emptiness or form. All those artificially created dividing lines reveal themselves to be baseless illusions, and finally, it is clear that life just “as it is’ is complete and full.
Artwork: Dennis Elliott-Smith
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