Why are you reading this? Why do we get involved in spiritual questions or practice? Is it a lack of confidence, a vague feeling that we are not good enough, or not quite cutting the mustard, that we are lagging behind certain expectations in the eyes of others, and most of all in the eyes of ourselves? We are constantly told what the ideal version of ourselves should be - the version might differ slightly depending on gender, family, culture, and society, but nevertheless, there is a demand we feel to improve ourselves. We should be hipper, more relaxed, thinner, younger, stronger, wiser, or more successful, and the list goes on.
We might hope that once we reach the state of “good enough,” we will finally feel secure, feelings of loneliness, vulnerability, embarrassment, shame, guilt, and weakness will vanish, and we will be at ease. We are constantly buying things and getting involved in all kinds of activities and endeavors to achieve this ease. But we have to ask ourselves how successful we are at achieving this goal? And if the underlying unease is still there?
There might be short breaks when we feel that we are on to something, when we feel some hope and excitement, and our mind is telling us what we are hoping for can be reached. This excitement is more often than not dampened by life, throwing obstacles in our way and revealing the confusion of our approach, which then makes us look for a different approach, a different kind of excitement.
We might stubbornly insist that the “I” can be improved, that positive thinking will do away with unpleasantness, and that sending out our wants and wishes to the universe will result in their fulfillment. Not only will we wind up being a pain in the neck for others in our self-absorption, but if we are honest, we will notice that the “improved self” is still a barrier between us and the world, that separation continues, and “my way” still has to be defended against others. Uncaused, stable self-worth, independent from things, achievements, or the approval by others, stays elusive. Feelings of being inadequate or of embarrassment and weakness still tend to lurk in the shadows and are judged and rejected as obstacles, not fitting our image of an improved me.
We are treating ourselves and life as a problem that has to be solved. We believe that there is an answer we haven’t found yet and keep running around looking for it. Our neediness makes us easy prey for anybody promising anything as a solution. We must be clear about one thing; practice is not offering or giving us anything, quite the contrary. It’s about losing something that wasn’t there in the first place, but we can't see it until it is seemingly lost.
Practice doesn’t promise an improved or better self. It is just pointing to “no-self” permeating everywhere and everything equally, without discrimination, while revealing itself in every feeling, including embarrassment and weakness. Nothing is excluded, unworthy or fake. If we get stuck in one thing, we ignore the other and don’t see that everything manifesting in form arises in pairs of opposites. Trying to pick out one thing and do away with its opposite is impossible and leads to a struggle with life, a battle we cannot win. There is no high without a low, no happiness without sadness, and no strength without vulnerability. Ignoring one side, we ignore Buddha nature while running around and searching for it.
Each moment is like a ticking bomb, ready to blast away our concepts and stories. When the bomb goes off, truth is revealed naturally. But a moment is not something we can enter as if it is a separate object - it is what is already happening. The assumption that there is a center, a self, owning what is happening, is confusion. To look at that confusion and realize the absurdity of it is called practice. Many people think that practice is finding a way for the bomb to go off. “What can I do? Am I doing it right? When will it happen? These questions are still based on a self that wants to do something to destroy itself and arrive at no-self - it is a sure way to diffuse the bomb. No-self is not an answer we can get; it’s not a solution we can own and apply. It is already! Every moment, every situation, every thought, and every feeling is an open gate for the realization of no-self, for realizing the limitless freedom and uncaused worth of this temporary appearance called “me.”
Photo: Dennis Elliott-Smith
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What a fine essay! You wrote, "Nothing is excluded, unworthy or fake. If we get stuck in one thing, we ignore the other and don’t see that everything manifesting in form arises in pairs of opposites. Trying to pick out one thing and do away with its opposite is impossible and leads to a struggle with life, a battle we cannot win. There is no high without a low, no happiness without sadness, and no strength without vulnerability." A great stillness lets us see this. Love of truth helps us find the way.
I’m reading this because I have realized that the solid isn’t. Through death, addiction and mental illness I have realized, the stable, isn’t. The explanations weren’t. The search for something outside or after this doesn’t seem to make any sense until we can be a part of what this actually is without preparation. So I’m learning from you to understand what is. The only thing I can do now. I prepared for years various things only to have that prepared idea shuttered by “outside forces”. Im lost, disheartened but not giving up on life. I assume Buddhism has more to offer than the nihilism. So I study with you, rather than Nietzsche, or Zarathustra for that matter! I’m also learning from you to not repeat the concept “I am weak but he is strong.” So I can teach, especially my girls, that they aren’t broken. So far, it makes sense, so I’m continuing. Thank you for teaching me.